Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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