She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
