We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
