Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize