omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
