rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
