I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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