seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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