Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
birth control should be required to get into college
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize