The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She's the barista slut.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
