Your face is a jimmy john
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
