how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We got so high we made milksteak
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
