guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
