apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
