My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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