I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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