just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize