I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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