happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
