remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize