I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I love you. Go after that dick
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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