Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
