I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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