I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
