I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
