we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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