the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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