she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
