It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
home. puking in laundry basket.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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