i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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