So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
