Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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