I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
