Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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