What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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