the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
