They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
