They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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