She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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