Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
