Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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