Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
