Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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