My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize