Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
