you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
