Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I want her autograph on my taint
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Damn victory sex feels great
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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