You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
