Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
