Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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