Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
