You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
