At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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