In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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