My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
