I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
