Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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