i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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