I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
try to milk me bitch
I forget how to act sober
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
