Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
